Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Hello, if you read my last blog then you know I am on a journey to discover me. I explained in my last blog how I always ordered whatever eggs the man I was dating at that time liked or what they recommended? So I decided to make eggs in every way that I could prepare them and once and for all find out how I liked my eggs:) and to answer that question I have come to the conclusion that I don't even like eggs!!! I only eat them cuz I feel we should eat eggs cuz they are good for you:) but with that being said there was one way that I was unable to prepare my eggs and that is eggs Benedict? If I had to choose, that would be how I would like my eggs. Of course the way I like eggs is the one I can't make? Now I would of never tried eggs Benedict among a lot of other delicious foods if it hadn't been for my boyfriend...yes the one that in my last blog I mentioned we broke up. Well we are talking and working through things a little at a time:) when it comes to trying different foods I was always one of those people who wouldn't try things due to the smell,color or texture. Yes that was very stupid as well but I changed that about me when I started dating my current boyfriend. I am so glad now because there's so many delicious foods I would still be missing out on if it wasn't for him:) he taught me to try things not just once but a couple times due to the fact that some things are an aquired taste. And boy was he right!!! So back to my next step on my journey....so I now know I like eggs Benedict and other then that I really don't like eggs at all.....so how about this communication problem? I know I have a major problem talking and I'm fully aware of the trouble it causes in my relationships. I am very good at putting my thoughts and feelings down on paper but I can't do that all the time....this is not gonna be easy and it's gonna take a lot of time. Last weekend I got a lot of feelings out and it felt great but it didn't even put a dent in my stacks of feelings and emotions that I have bottled up over the years:( I guess I really need to get to the root of what brought me to think bottling up everything was a good idea? It had to stem from somewhere and as I'm sitting here writing this, I just realized in my head I know where it all started and I just don't know if I'm ready to tackle it? Grrrr now I'm fighting myself in my head about what to do? No worries though I know what I gotta do and I'm gonna do it!!!! I'm gonna dive into my emotions and feelings head first and allow myself to feel the hurt, pain, disappointment,joy,anger and well you get the point. I chose to not feel anything happy or sad and it's all still there!!! I gotta feel it in order to truly let it go and move on. So this is gonna be very hard and may not be pretty at times but its time to empty the bottles and throw them out!!!! So here's to the bottle cap to my feelings coming off and staying off:) oh boy I got this....just gonna be strong and cowgirl up!!!!! So long and talk to you soon
Monday, August 19, 2013
HELLO EVERYONE,ITS BEEN A LONG TIME.....I AM STILL TRYING TO FIND A PLACE IN THIS WORLD. ALOT HAS HAPPEN IN MY LIFE.I LOST MY JOB,BROKE UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND AND MOST IMPORTANTLY I DONT FEEL I HAVE BEEN THE MOTHER THAT I WANT TO BE. ALL MY LIFE I HAVE BOTTLED UP ALL MY FEELINGS AND IM NOT JUST TALKING SAD FEELINGS. HAPPY,SAD,EXCITED,DISAPPOINTED AND ANGRY. I ALWAYS THOUGHT ONCE I PUT THEM THERE, THAT IS WHERE THEY WOULD STAY....WELL I WAS WRONG:( JUST LIKE A BOTTLE OF SODA WHEN YOU SHAKE IT UP AND REMOVE THE LID,BOOM IT EXPLODES!!! YEP THATS WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW. ALL MY EMOTIONS THAT I FELT AND EXPERIENCED SINCE I WAS A CHILD UP UNTIL THE PRESENT MOMENT ARE POURING OUT OF ME!!!! IM NOT QUITE SURE HOW TO HANDLE THIS BUT I AM SURE THAT IT NEEDS TO BE HANDLED NOW ONCE AND FOR ALL. THROUGH OUT MY LIFE I PUT A DIFFERENT MASK ON FOR DIFFERENT SITUATIONS AND DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. I NOW REALIZE THAT I HAVE NO CLUE WHO THE HELL I AM? I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT MY FAVORITE WAY TO HAVE MY EGGS COOKED IS?I BASED MY FAVORITE THINGS LIST ON WHATEVER THE MAN IN MY LIFE AT THE TIME LIKED. VERY SAD BUT TRUE....I AM NOW GOING TO DIG DEEP AND GET TO THE ROOT OF THIS. NO MORE MASK TO HIDE ANYTHING. HOW CAN I BE THE BEST MOTHER THAT I CAN BE WHEN I DONT LOVE MYSELF!!!!! WHY DONT I LOVE MYSELF? WHY DO I BECOME SOMEONE ELSE FOR A MAN?WHY DO I HAVE TROUBLE COMMUNICATING? WHY....WHY....WHY??? LOTS OF QUESTIONS THAT I NEED TO ANSWER. SO HERES TO MY JOURNEY TO ME....I AM GOING TO START WITH GOING TO THE KITCHEN AND COOKING EGGS IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE AND THEN I WILL DO SOME TASTE TESTING....AT 34 YEARS OF AGE, I SHOULD KNOW HOW I LIKE MY EGGS PREPARED.....AND AFTER THE EGG TASTING I WILL BE WAITING FOR MY SON TO GET HOME FROM HIS DADS AND HAVE SOME QUALITY TIME WITH HIM.....SO LONG FOR NOW.....