Breathe.......sometimes that's all you can do....

Hello everyone, well I'm still a hot mess but better then I was a month ago:) so let's see where do I start? Well I'm so up and down with my emotions that my boyfriend deserves a metal.....I gotta keep reminding myself that when things are bad or my son gets me stressed and when I get angry at myself for all the things I could of done and should of done, well that's no ones fault but mine and I must not take those frustrations out on every one around me. I am aware of this now and I'm working on it but as everyone is in bed sleeping at the moment, I have had some time to think about the last couple days....and yes I can't lie, I have not handled things the proper way:( so I'm taking a deep breathe and instead of beating myself up over it I'm gonna forgive myself and keep on keeping on....I really want to figure myself out but I have been finding out along this journey that I am one complicated and yes sometimes a little crazy chic!!!! So now that I took the time to think and realize that I'm still taking my frustrations,anger and sadness out on the people I love,I'm gonna take a deep breathe and start over again!!!! Tomorrow is a new day and I am human and have made many mistakes and I'm sure I will make more......but with each mistake I will find a lesson to be learned along with it. I have already learned over the past 2 months that all this time I found a reason for all my unhappiness and of course it was always someone else's fault!! Lol WRONG!!!! Lesson #1 only I have control of my own happiness!!! So for now my plan is to breathe when I feel overwhelmed, think before I act and keep reminding my self it took me 34 years to become this hot of a mess!!! So it's gonna take more then 1 month to fix things:) and as long as I can still joke about, it will all come together in time. Smile as much as you can!!! Laugh so hard it makes you cry!!!! Enjoy a sunrise and sunset any chance you get:) always kiss,hug and tell the ones you hold dearest to your heart that you love them.....learn everything you can from children. Jump in puddles on a rainy day:) sing and dance like nobody is watching even if they are watching....be open minded in all situations. Call your mother as often as possible. Ok I'm done for now:) if your reading this tonight? 9/18/2013 walk outside and look at the moon:) it looks FABULOUS at the moment:):)

ALONG MY JOURNEY TO ME I NOW AT AGE 34 KNOW MY FAVORITE EGGS....

Hello, if you read my last blog then you know I am on a journey to discover me. I explained in my last blog how I always ordered whatever eggs the man I was dating at that time liked or what they recommended? So I decided to make eggs in every way that I could prepare them and once and for all find out how I liked my eggs:) and to answer that question I have come to the conclusion that I don't even like eggs!!! I only eat them cuz I feel we should eat eggs cuz they are good for you:) but with that being said there was one way that I was unable to prepare my eggs and that is eggs Benedict? If I had to choose, that would be how I would like my eggs. Of course the way I like eggs is the one I can't make? Now I would of never tried eggs Benedict among a lot of other delicious foods if it hadn't been for my boyfriend...yes the one that in my last blog I mentioned we broke up. Well we are talking and working through things a little at a time:) when it comes to trying different foods I was always one of those people who wouldn't try things due to the smell,color or texture. Yes that was very stupid as well but I changed that about me when I started dating my current boyfriend. I am so glad now because there's so many delicious foods I would still be missing out on if it wasn't for him:) he taught me to try things not just once but a couple times due to the fact that some things are an aquired taste. And boy was he right!!! So back to my next step on my journey....so I now know I like eggs Benedict and other then that I really don't like eggs at all.....so how about this communication problem? I know I have a major problem talking and I'm fully aware of the trouble it causes in my relationships. I am very good at putting my thoughts and feelings down on paper but I can't do that all the time....this is not gonna be easy and it's gonna take a lot of time. Last weekend I got a lot of feelings out and it felt great but it didn't even put a dent in my stacks of feelings and emotions that I have bottled up over the years:( I guess I really need to get to the root of what brought me to think bottling up everything was a good idea? It had to stem from somewhere and as I'm sitting here writing this, I just realized in my head I know where it all started and I just don't know if I'm ready to tackle it? Grrrr now I'm fighting myself in my head about what to do? No worries though I know what I gotta do and I'm gonna do it!!!! I'm gonna dive into my emotions and feelings head first and allow myself to feel the hurt, pain, disappointment,joy,anger and well you get the point. I chose to not feel anything happy or sad and it's all still there!!! I gotta feel it in order to truly let it go and move on. So this is gonna be very hard and may not be pretty at times but its time to empty the bottles and throw them out!!!! So here's to the bottle cap to my feelings coming off and staying off:) oh boy I got this....just gonna be strong and cowgirl up!!!!! So long and talk to you soon

JOURNEY TO ME.......

HELLO EVERYONE,ITS BEEN A LONG TIME.....I AM STILL TRYING TO FIND A PLACE IN THIS WORLD. ALOT HAS HAPPEN IN MY LIFE.I LOST MY JOB,BROKE UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND AND MOST IMPORTANTLY I DONT FEEL I HAVE BEEN THE MOTHER THAT I WANT TO BE. ALL MY LIFE I HAVE BOTTLED UP ALL MY FEELINGS AND IM NOT JUST TALKING SAD FEELINGS. HAPPY,SAD,EXCITED,DISAPPOINTED AND ANGRY. I ALWAYS THOUGHT ONCE I PUT THEM THERE, THAT IS WHERE THEY WOULD STAY....WELL I WAS WRONG:( JUST LIKE A BOTTLE OF SODA WHEN YOU SHAKE IT UP AND REMOVE THE LID,BOOM IT EXPLODES!!! YEP THATS WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW. ALL MY EMOTIONS THAT I FELT AND EXPERIENCED SINCE I WAS A CHILD UP UNTIL THE PRESENT MOMENT ARE POURING OUT OF ME!!!! IM NOT QUITE SURE HOW TO HANDLE THIS BUT I AM SURE THAT IT NEEDS TO BE HANDLED NOW ONCE AND FOR ALL. THROUGH OUT MY LIFE I PUT A DIFFERENT MASK ON FOR DIFFERENT SITUATIONS AND DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. I NOW REALIZE THAT I HAVE NO CLUE WHO THE HELL I AM? I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT MY FAVORITE WAY TO HAVE MY EGGS COOKED IS?I BASED MY FAVORITE THINGS LIST ON WHATEVER THE MAN IN MY LIFE AT THE TIME LIKED. VERY SAD BUT TRUE....I AM NOW GOING TO DIG DEEP AND GET TO THE ROOT OF THIS. NO MORE MASK TO HIDE ANYTHING. HOW CAN I BE THE BEST MOTHER THAT I CAN BE WHEN I DONT LOVE MYSELF!!!!! WHY DONT I LOVE MYSELF? WHY DO I BECOME SOMEONE ELSE FOR A MAN?WHY DO I HAVE TROUBLE COMMUNICATING? WHY....WHY....WHY??? LOTS OF QUESTIONS THAT I NEED TO ANSWER. SO HERES TO MY JOURNEY TO ME....I AM GOING TO START WITH GOING TO THE KITCHEN AND COOKING EGGS IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE AND THEN I WILL DO SOME TASTE TESTING....AT 34 YEARS OF AGE, I SHOULD KNOW HOW I LIKE MY EGGS PREPARED.....AND AFTER THE EGG TASTING I WILL BE WAITING FOR MY SON TO GET HOME FROM HIS DADS AND HAVE SOME QUALITY TIME WITH HIM.....SO LONG FOR NOW.....

AND SO IT GOES...........

SO IVE BEEN WORKING ON FINDING MY WAY BACK TO ME LATELY AND ITS GOING GOOD:) IVE FORGOTTEN HOW MUCH I LOVE THE MOON AND THE STARS. IVE BEEN SO CAUGHT UP IN SO MANY THINGS AND FEELING BAD FOR MYSELF THAT IT SLIPPED MY MIND THAT ONE LOOK AT THE MOON BRINGS A FELLING OF JOY TO ME:) IT DOESNT COST ANY MONEY,ITS JUST THERE FOR ME TO TAKE IN......YESTERDAY AS I DROVE HOME FROM WORK AND LOOKED UP AT THE SKYLINE AND THE SUNSET, IT WAS SIMPLY AMAZING!!!! SO OFTEN WE GO ABOUT OUR EVERYDAY LIFE AND RIGHT IN FRONT OF US THERE IS SO MANY AMAZING THINGS TO LOOK AT. INSTEAD WE CHOOSE TO SIT IN FRONT OF THE TV OR MANY OTHER THINGS THAT DONT STIMULATE OUR BRAINS. TAKE A WALK, LOOK AT THE MOON,STAND BESIDE A WATERFALL AND JUST LISTEN.....THESE ARE THINGS THAT I WILL NOW BE DOING MORE OF FROM THIS POINT ON!!!! HEY WHAT DO YA KNOW I JUST OPENED THE DOOR AND LOOKED OUTSIDE AND THERE IT IS.....THE MOON AND ITS SMILING AT ME:) LIFE IS GOOD AND ITS ONLY GONNA GET BETTER!!! AND SO IT GOES.......

WRITE IT DOWN...........

WOW!!!!! SOMETIMES YOU REALLY GOTTA JUST PULL IT TOGETHER AND MAKE A LIST. AND NOT JUST A LIST IN YOUR HEAD. WRITE IT DOWN. IVE BEEN JUST STUCK AND HAVENT DONE ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I PLAN IT ALL IN MY HEAD BUT NOTHING....I REALLY GOTTA STEP BACK AND GET IT TOGETHER ALREADY.SO IM GONNA START WRITING IT DOWN. IM GONNA TAKE ONE MINUTE AT A TIME CUZ ONE DAY AT A TIME IS A BIT MUCH RIGHT NOW. SO ANYWAY IT WILL ALL WORK OUT IN TIME....SOMETIMES YOU WISH YA HAD A MAGIC WAND BUT THATS ONLY IN FAIRYTALES.FOR NOW IM JUST GONNA USE MY PEN LIKE ITS A MAGIC WAND AND WRITE IT DOWN.....TIME TO START MY LIST.THATS ALL I GOT RIGHT ABOUT NOW......

WHEN I GROW UP I WANNA BE........

OK SO THINK ABOUT THIS FOR A SECOND. MOST OF WHO IS READING THIS POST I WOULD TAKE A GUESS AND SAY YOUR A GROWN UP? SO ASK YOURSELF WHAT THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION WAS WHEN YOU WERE TEN OR NINE? TAKE YOURSELF BACK TO YOUR CHILDHOOD AND WHAT IS THE ANSWER? WELL AS FOR ME I REMEMBER MY ANSWER WAS ALWAYS A MODEL OR A LARGE ANIMAL VET. NOW THAT IM THIRTY PLUS, I CANT HELP BUT WONDER WHAT HAPPEN TO THAT PART OF ME THAT WANTED THESE THINGS? PRETTY SAD IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT:( WE GET OLDER AND SO EASILY SETTLE OR DO WHAT WE GOTTA DO TO GET BY. THATS NOT HOW IT HAS TO BE. ITS NEVER TO LATE TO DO ANYTHING AND I AM GONNA START BY ASKING MYSELF AGAIN. "WHAT DO I WANNA BE WHEN I GROW UP?" ANYONE WHOS READING THIS SHOULD ALSO THINK BACK TO WHEN THEY WERE YOUNGER AND WHAT YOUR ANSWER WAS BACK THEN? YOU MIGHT BE SURPRIZED WHAT YOU MIGHT FIND WHEN YOU RELIGHT THE CHILD IN YOU:) FUNNY THING IS ITS THE CHILD HIDDEN DEEP DOWN INSIDE OF YOU THAT IF USED IN THE RIGHT WAY WILL MAKE YOU BECOME A BETTER ADULT. GIVE IT A SHOT:)

FINDING MY WAY BACK TO ME.........

ITS CRAZY HOW WE SOMETIMES GET CAUGHT UP IN THINGS AND LOSE OURSELVES ALONG THE WAY. THIS IS NORMAL THOUGH AND ONCE YOU REALIZE THAT IT HAS HAPPEN, TAKE A STEP BACK AND BREATH. DONT BE AFRAID TO BE ALONE,INSTEAD BE CURIOUS AS TO WHAT YOU MIGHT DISCOVER. BEFORE YOU KNOW IT YOU WILL BE ENJOYING LIFE:) READ A BOOK OR WRITE A BLOG.....OR JUST SIT AND DO NOTHING. IM FEELING A LITTLE LOST LATELY BUT I AM AWARE OF WHAT I NEED TO DO AND THAT IS FOCUS ON ME AND WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY. IVE BEEN WRITING AND READING ALOT LATELY. IT SEEMS TO HELP ALOT!!! IVE ALSO BEEN GOING TO THE GYM AND THAT MAKES ME FEEL GREAT AND IN TIME I WILL ALSO LOOK GREAT!!I NOW HAVE TIME TO THINK ABOUT ME AND WHAT I WANT. I WANT TO LIVE IN THE COUNTRY AND LIVE ON A FARM WITH HORSES AND SO MUCH MORE. YES THIS IS SOMETHING I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY I PUT MY DREAMS ASIDE:( BUT IM BACK AND BIG OR SMALL DREAMS,WHATEVER THEY MAY BE. REMEMBER ONE THING ITS A DREAM AND BIG DREAMS DONT COST MORE THEN LITTLE DREAMS:) SO DREAM AWAY, SET YOUR GOALS HIGH!!! ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE:) LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST!!! IM SO HAPPY TO BE ON THE RIGHT TRACK AND THAT IS THE BEST FEELING EVER:) IM BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN:)TAKE CARE