THERES A THIN LINE BETWEEN LOVE AND HATE.......

OH BOY WHERE DO I START? WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I ALWAYS THOUGHT WHEN YA LOVED SOMEONE YA LOVED THEM AND THAT WAS IT? NOT TRUE IS WHAT IM FINDING AS I GET OLDER. I LOVE MY DAD TO PIECES!!! BUT SAD TO SAY I FEEL ALOT OF HATE ALSO. ITS A VERY HARD SITUATION. I STRUGGLE EVERYDAY WITH THIS!!! HOW CAN I HATE SOMEONE SO MUCH THAT I ALSO LOVE? IF IT WASNT FOR HIM I WOULDNT BE HERE BUT ALSO IF IT WASNT FOR HIM I WOULDNT HAVE SO MUCH ANGER INSIDE. GROWING UP FROM THE TIME I WAS BORN UNTILL ABOUT AGE 14 LIFE WAS GREAT!!! MY MOM AND DAD GOT ALONG AND WE DID ALOT TOGETHER. IT SEEMS LIKE OVER NIGHT THAT ALL CHANGED. MY DAD STARTING DOING DRUGS AND MY LIFE AS I KNEW IT CHANGED FOR THE WORST:( MY MOM DID HER BEST TO GIVE MY FIVE SISTERS AND I THE BEST LIFE THAT SHE COULD AND I WILL BE FOREVER GRATFULL FOR THAT!!! I WENT THROUGH A LONG PERIOD OF TIME WHEN ALL I HAD WAS HATE FOR MY DAD AND AS I GOT OLDER AND MOVED AWAY I SOMEWHAT LEARNED TO EXCEPT WHAT MY DAD HAD BECOME AND THOUGHT I WAS OK WITH IT? NOW IM THIRTY AND I MOVED BACK HOME AND ALL THE ANGER THAT I THOUGHT I OVERCAME IS ALL COMING BACK. I GUESS ITS OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND? WHEN I NO LONGER SAW HIM EVERYDAY THE BAD MEMORIES FADED AND I FOUND JOY IN THE GOOD MEMORIES. BUT NOW THAT I SEE HIM EVERYDAY, ITS ALL FRESH IN MY HEAD AGAIN AND I FEEL LIKE IM RELIVING IT ALL OVER AGAIN. LIVING WITH A FAMILY MEMBER WITH AN ADDICTION IS A HORRIBLE THING!!!! SOMETIMES I FEEL IF THAT PERSON WERE TO DIE IT WOULD BE EASIER THEN THEM BEING ALIVE BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEM SLOWLY KILL THEMSELVES EVERYDAY. THEN I ASK MYSELF IF HE WERE TO DIE TOMORROW HOW WOULD I FEEL? HOW WOULD I DEAL WITH THE DEATH OF SOMEONE WHO I LOVE AND HATE? THIS ALL MIGHT SOUND HORRIBLE BUT ITS THE TRUTH. PART OF WHO I AM TODAY IS BECAUSE OF THE HARD TIMES I WENT THROUGH BUT AT THE SAME TIME I FEEL THAT WHAT ONCE MADE ME WHO I WAS IS NOW DESTROYING WHO AM. YES I KNOW ITS CONFUSING!!! I NEED TO FIND A WAY TO GET PAST THE ANGER. MAYBE WRITING IT DOWN WILL HELP? AND AS I SIT HERE AND THINK TO MYSELF WOULD I GO BACK IF SOMEONE TOLD ME THAT IT WOULD ALL BE DIFFERENT AND MY DAD WOULD NOT RUN TO DRUGS THIS TIME AROUND? AND THE ANSWER WOULD BE NO. AND THE REASON THE ANSWER WOULD BE NO IS BECAUSE AS MUCH AS I HATE THE PAIN AND ANGER THAT CAME ALONG WITH IT,IF ONE THING IN MY PAST WAS CHANGED THEN I MIGHT NOT HAVE MY SON? EVERYTHING IN LIFE HAPPENS FOR A REASON AND IF MY CHILDHOOD WENT ANY DIFFERENT WHOS TO SAY WHERE I WOULD BE OR WHAT I WOULD HAVE TODAY? ONE THING I CAN SAY IS I HAVE A HEALTHY LITTLE BOY AND IM GONNA DO MY BEST TO GIVE HIM THE WORLD!!! SO FOR NOW IM GONNA WORK ON LETTING GO OF THE ANGER NOT ONLY FOR ME BUT FOR MY SONS SAKE.