Monday, August 19, 2013
JOURNEY TO ME.......
HELLO EVERYONE,ITS BEEN A LONG TIME.....I AM STILL TRYING TO FIND A PLACE IN THIS WORLD. ALOT HAS HAPPEN IN MY LIFE.I LOST MY JOB,BROKE UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND AND MOST IMPORTANTLY I DONT FEEL I HAVE BEEN THE MOTHER THAT I WANT TO BE. ALL MY LIFE I HAVE BOTTLED UP ALL MY FEELINGS AND IM NOT JUST TALKING SAD FEELINGS. HAPPY,SAD,EXCITED,DISAPPOINTED AND ANGRY. I ALWAYS THOUGHT ONCE I PUT THEM THERE, THAT IS WHERE THEY WOULD STAY....WELL I WAS WRONG:( JUST LIKE A BOTTLE OF SODA WHEN YOU SHAKE IT UP AND REMOVE THE LID,BOOM IT EXPLODES!!! YEP THATS WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW. ALL MY EMOTIONS THAT I FELT AND EXPERIENCED SINCE I WAS A CHILD UP UNTIL THE PRESENT MOMENT ARE POURING OUT OF ME!!!! IM NOT QUITE SURE HOW TO HANDLE THIS BUT I AM SURE THAT IT NEEDS TO BE HANDLED NOW ONCE AND FOR ALL. THROUGH OUT MY LIFE I PUT A DIFFERENT MASK ON FOR DIFFERENT SITUATIONS AND DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. I NOW REALIZE THAT I HAVE NO CLUE WHO THE HELL I AM? I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT MY FAVORITE WAY TO HAVE MY EGGS COOKED IS?I BASED MY FAVORITE THINGS LIST ON WHATEVER THE MAN IN MY LIFE AT THE TIME LIKED. VERY SAD BUT TRUE....I AM NOW GOING TO DIG DEEP AND GET TO THE ROOT OF THIS. NO MORE MASK TO HIDE ANYTHING. HOW CAN I BE THE BEST MOTHER THAT I CAN BE WHEN I DONT LOVE MYSELF!!!!! WHY DONT I LOVE MYSELF? WHY DO I BECOME SOMEONE ELSE FOR A MAN?WHY DO I HAVE TROUBLE COMMUNICATING? WHY....WHY....WHY??? LOTS OF QUESTIONS THAT I NEED TO ANSWER. SO HERES TO MY JOURNEY TO ME....I AM GOING TO START WITH GOING TO THE KITCHEN AND COOKING EGGS IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE AND THEN I WILL DO SOME TASTE TESTING....AT 34 YEARS OF AGE, I SHOULD KNOW HOW I LIKE MY EGGS PREPARED.....AND AFTER THE EGG TASTING I WILL BE WAITING FOR MY SON TO GET HOME FROM HIS DADS AND HAVE SOME QUALITY TIME WITH HIM.....SO LONG FOR NOW.....
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I hear you, times are definitely hard. All of the feelings, the hurt, confusion, frustration, anger, pain, they are all part of the healing process...and it's a lifelong process. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I know, easier said than done and I am definitely not an expert at it BUT I've really been trying over the past few months to ease up a bit and to be more forgiving towards myself. No one is perfect and change definitely doesn't come overnight. The fact that you are acknowledging these things in yourself is so healthy and you are on the right path. Keep working through all of these feelings and keep accepting, forgiving and healing yourself along the way. You'll find strength you didn't know you had and as you grow you'll find that you do in fact know yourself more than you thought you did. It's so easy to loose ourselves over and over again in life but this is also part of life and each time we loose and then find ourselves again we're much stronger than the time before. Although you may feel lost and like you don't know who you are at times I know a woman who is extremely strong, caring, beautiful and unique in so many ways, a woman who has been there for me countless times and who has really helped me see in myself parts of me that I thought were lost. You'll figure it out more and more each day and don't forget you're definitely not alone in this battle :)
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